Can This ADDer be Saved?
Sunday, January 22, 2012 33 Comments
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A Coaching Story – Part 1
by Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
Another article in the The ADD Coaching Series*”Katy,” “Barb,” “Donna” and the details of this story are a composite of the process and progress of several ADDers working with the author, to honor the confidentiality of the client/coach alignment and to better illustrate a sense of the ADD Coaching process.
—————————————————————————————-Like many of us, Katy Nolan was a full time homemaker with a full-time job.
She adored her husband Paul, a terrific father — but not really much help around the house: not really much help with anything having anything to DO with running a household, actually.
Sometimes she joked that she had three kids — Mary, her second-grader, Tom her big fourth-grader, and Paul, the baby! Fortunately, Katy was one of the most organized women anyone knew, so she managed somehow to keep the homefires burning along with the demands of a high-stress job.
Most days she felt on top of things, but she went to bed exhausted every night and woke up every morning dreading the day. She loved her job, her kids, her marriage, and their newly remodeled home — but deep in her heart she hated her life.
“What’s wrong with me?” she often wondered.
THE DAY THE WORLD CHANGED
The words that started Katy’s day were about the worst she could possibly imagine, “Mommy, I don’t feel very good!”
“Not today!” she complained under her breath, feeling guilty for the thought.
“Please let her be well enough to go to school today and I promise I’ll be Florence Nightingale tomorrow!”Her upcoming week was booked solid with urgent work to-dos and a million errands related to the upcoming Easter holiday. She had taken the day off to work on an important report due Friday — without the distractions of the office.
For some reason, she just couldn’t manage to get her thoughts on paper with the constant ringing of the telephone and chatting of her office-mates, along with the frequent interruptions of her new boss, the micro-manager’s micro-manager. Her recent memo about the “slippage” of the quality of Katy’s reports was scathing.
She really hated Monday mornings! As usual, the puppy was eager for his morning walk. Tommy needed her to read and sign something for school, but he couldn’t remember where it was. Paul scowled on his way out the door, miffed because she neglected to pick up his favorite suit from the dry cleaners and she’d forgotten to set the coffee maker the night before.
She didn’t know how she would manage without that lifesaving first cup she always needed to clear the cobwebs. She tripped over Bowser as she made her way to Mary’s room.
Spots! Measles or chicken pox — Mary could be home for two weeks!!! I’ll lose my job. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’re sick!” she managed to comment through her tears.
And then there’s Barb
Barbara Sitwell, Katy’s best friend and next door neighbor, was Katy’s exact opposite. Her house was a mess, her kids fended mostly for themselves, and she left all of the car-pooling duties to her husband Larry, even though her only “job” was part-time photography for the local newspaper (consisting mostly of developing negatives in her basement dark room). Barb, however, seemed genuinely happy. Larry adored her, and her kids we’re doing great.
Katy was still crying as she dialed the phone to let Larry know that Mary wouldn’t riding with them today.
“Hello?” It was Barb!
“Mary won’t be coming, she has the measles!” Katy began, fairly evenly until she broke down completely.
The rest came out in a rush.
“And I’m going to lose my job and we’re not going to have any Easter Baskets and Paul’s going to divorce me for letting down the entire family and I’ll end up a single mother living on welfare in some hovel or in some mental institution because I can’t even get it together to make coffee!”
Katy had just “hit the wall.”
She had managed to juggle fairly effectively until this very minute. Suddenly her elaborately detailed coping strategies couldn’t handle this new level of stress. Everything seemed to come crashing down around her — one seemingly minor glitch, and suddenly, she felt as if she couldn’t cope at all. She didn’t even have control over her words, and felt she was destroying her carefully constructed facade of competence. Her breath came in gulps with this realization. “I don’t know what to do next. I can’t even think!!”
Fortunately, Barbara knew exactly what was going on with Katy.
Boggle* — cognitive shutdown in response to stress.
*Search for excerpts from The Boggle Book, which will be posted on ADDandSoMuchMore.com while awaiting publication.
Barb herself had been in the same place after her second son was born. She had been coping marginally since the birth of her first child. The demands of a second child told her in no uncertain terms that something was very definitely wrong. The additional responsibility of a new baby seemed to push her over some imaginary cliff that led to an ADD diagnosis, a CH.A.D.D. support group, therapy and, in the last 18 months, her secret weapon: weekly phone calls with her ADD Coach.
“Go start a pot of coffee, then call the pediatrician. I’ll be right over.”
Suddenly and uncharacteristically, Barb had became the competent one.
NOTHING’S MORE EFFECTIVE THAN GOOD SUPPORT
That was the event that brought Katy to ADD Coaching, well over a year ago. Today she wakes up eager to start the day (most days!). She has “found the time” to join a yoga class and Weight Watchers, and has lost those frustrating twelve pounds she had been agonizing about since Mary’s birth.
She has worked out a plan with her boss including, among other accommodations, working four days in the office and one at home. Her last review was encouraging.
Paul is doing more around the house and actually reading some of those ADD books on his bedside table, so he is able to be more understanding and supportive. Making sure there’s coffee every morning, clean sheets and towels every week, and taking responsibility for the dry-cleaning are among the items that moved from Katy’s to-do list to Paul’s.
Katy feels lighter and happier than she has in many years.
A fairy tale?
No. Katy’s new life is the result of a lot of dedication and hard work. The difference is that she has finally discovered how to focus her energy in ways that make a difference in her life. Left behind are most of her old crisis management habits that, despite her excellent organizational skills, kept life teetering right on the brink of disaster.
What had been missing was an awareness of ADD and an understanding and acceptance of its implications:
- an understanding of how ADD impacted her thinking and choices
- the admission that nobody can do it all
- the development of the skills necessary to enroll help and support
- with the addition of proper medication.
Organizational competence aside, Katy was luckier than many of us with undiagnosed ADD. She had a best friend to identify some of what seemed to be going on — to offer advice, share information and experience, introduce her to an ADD Coach, and help her find a doctor and an ADD-knowledgeable therapist. The Nolans could afford the services Katy needed, and her husband proved how terrific he really was by supporting her efforts with actions as well as words.
Katy was ALSO ready, willing, and able to take the actions to change her life, and had excellent follow-through skills. She was able to put a support team together quickly and her progress was rapid and dramatic.
And then there’s Barb
Even though they are the best of buds and are working with the same ADD Coach, they are very different women with very different styles of ADD. Barbara’s process has been very different and, from the outside, seems less remarkable than Katy’s.
Since the Sitwells manage on, effectively, one salary, Barb had to wait until there was room in the budget to pay for the services she realized she needed and wanted, post diagnosis, just like some of those photography classes she wanted to take. She did the best she could for the first year, trolling the internet for sites like ADDandSoMuchMore.com for information and ideas.
Once she began working with Donna, Barb took longer to sift through what she wanted to do, and to distinguish what she was willing to really-no-kidding DO to manage from what was (for her) merely a “should.”
Since her messy house didn’t bother her in the slightest, you wouldn’t see much difference were you to pay her a little visit. Larry would like quite a bit more order, but not enough to take over the chore — hiring a maid is one of the Sitwell’s goals for future salary increases and bonuses. They’ve dubbed their house “Chaos Casa,” and they’re both fine with that for now.
The important thing is that Barb herself feels like she has finally found the right balance for the type of life she wants to lead.
Even though Barb will always be more of a “free spirit” than Katy, both woman feel more in control and confident that they are each moving at a pace that makes sense for them, in a direction they want to be moving. And while both woman give a lot of credit to Donna, their ADD Coach, they know in their hearts that their own efforts are the ones that have made the difference. (And Donna reminds them every time they seem to forget that little detail!)
More to come in Katy and Barb’s story, so stay tuned! (see links to the next articles below)
—————————————————————————————————————————————
As always, if you want notification of new articles in the Coaching Series – or any new posts on this blog – give your email address to the nice form on the top of the skinny column to the right. (You only have to do this once, so if you’ve already asked for notification about a prior series, you’re covered for this one too) STRICT No Spam Policy
If you’d like some one-on-one (or group) coaching help with anything that came up while you were reading this article (either for your own life, that of a loved one, or as coaching skills development), click the E-me link <—here (or on the menubar at the top of every page) and I’ll get back to you ASAP (accent on the “P”ossible!)
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
Can this ADDer be Saved?
(Entire coaching story, illustrating how coaching works in narrative format)
- Can This ADDer be Saved – Part 1
- Can This ADDer be Saved – Part 2
- Can This ADDer be Saved – Part 3
- Can This ADDer be Saved – Part 4
Related Articles on ADDandSoMuchMore.com
Assorted articles about ADD and ADDCoach Concepts:
- Brain-based coaching with Madelyn Griffith-Haynie (contact form at bottom)
- A Bunch of Words about FIT (#1 of 5)
- Distinctions: Coaching vs.Therapy
- ADDerWorld – Folks Like US!
- ABOUT Boggle
- ABOUT Black & White Thinking
- Reframing: Escaping the Frame changes the VIEW
- ADD Overview 101 (#1 of 5)
A few Articles in the Attention series:
- A Little ADD Lens™ Background
- The Link between Attention and Action
- The Dynamics of Attending
- Symptoms of Attentional Struggles
- Distinguishing Distractibility
Related articles ’round the ‘net
- Different Kinds of ADHD, Different Kinds of Coaches (psychologytoday.com)
- Scratching the “itch” (thelovelyaddict.com)
- Coaching, out where the ADHD rubber meets the road of reality (Dr. Charles Parker’s corepsych blog)
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Pingback: Why Accountability Leads to Follow-through | ADD . . . and-so-much-more
Hi there great website! Does running a blog such
as this take a great deal of work? I’ve very little understanding of computer programming however I had
been hoping to start my own blog in the near future.
Anyhow, if you have any recommendations or tips for new blog owners please share.
I understand this is off subject but I just had
to ask. Thank you!
url – eguide-cyprus.com
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Thanks for liking the site, Ellie. Yes, it has taken QUITE a bit of time for the past 3 years, but recent events have encouraged me to step back a bit for a while.
Tips? My biggest tips would be to make sure you understand the differences mandated by CSS, learn a bit of basic html to be able to tweak formatting, and to take the time to understand the functional differences between plug-ins and widgets BEFORE you lock yourself into a site that doesn’t allow the use of plug-ins.
Best of luck to you.
xx,
mgh
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Pingback: CorePsych | Brain Science and ADD/ADHD Coaching – Notes On The Rubber and The Road
I am really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog.
Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see
a great blog like this one today.
url: bigcontact.com
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Thanks!
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If you want to improve your knowledge just keep visiting this website and be
updated with the hottest information posted here.
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Thanks!
xx,
mgh
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Hi just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you
know a few of the images aren’t loading correctly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking
issue. I’ve tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same outcome.
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THANKS, I r-e-a-l-l-y appreciate the heads up – blame WordPress for this one.
I am adding the following to the articles that will post during my sabbatical (June 10,2013 – mid September).
UPDATE: Added notice to the home page, worrying that it would be WAY out of date before I got back – but, on return, as I read the comments, it seems to be still a problem — for SOME browser, anyway. Will be sherlocking — MEANWHILE, the notice stays – 9 weeks later. ::groan::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOTICE: WordPress.com is having trouble rendering graphics currently - refreshing your browser window "should" allow you to see the graphics in this document until they find and fix the problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect
against hackers? I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard
on. Any suggestions?
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Sorry – I’m on a platform that prohibits plugins. They protect thru Akismet – but I don’t know more than that.
Good luck.
xx,
mgh
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Howdy! This is my first visit to your blog!
We are a collection of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same
niche. Your blog provided us valuable information to
work on. You have done a marvellous job!
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Thanks, Tasha — and best of luck to you all. Don’t be strangers – keep coming back (and keep commenting – the feedback keeps me at it!).
xx,
mgh
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Hello! I am about to start my own website and
was wondering if you know where the best place to acquire a website url is?
I am not even sure if that’s what its called? (I’m new to this) I’m referring to “http://addandsomuchmore.com/2012/01/22/can-this-adder-be-saved/”. How do I go about getting one of these for the website I’m
making? Thanks!
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Sign up for WordPress.com – the rest rides along. Best of luck in your new venture.
xx,
mgh
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Hey just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your content
seem to be running off the screen in Chrome.
I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know.
The design and style look great though! Hope you get the issue resolved soon.
Many thanks
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Thanks – Google products tend to be thorns in my side! I’ll report it and see if there’s anything WordPress can do about it.
Meanwhile, try Safari or Firefox – there are small differences, but basically work as designed on the WordPress platform.
Thanks for the heads up!
xx,
mgh
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At this time it appears like WordPress is the top blogging platform out there right
now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?
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Yep – not without its problems, but it does many things wonderfully.
xx,
mgh
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It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d certainly donate to this brilliant blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS
feed to my Google account. I look forward to brand new updates and will
share this website with my Facebook group. Chat
soon!
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Thank you SO much for helping me get the word out.
Since I don’t make a penny for the considerable time I spend here, I can’t justify spending money as well to market the content. TRULY need and appreciate the help “sharing the wealth.”
RE: donate button – I thought about it, but I couldn’t figure out how to get it working on this platform (this is the free WordPress site, so they don’t allow plug-ins that make it possible to spread the word OR to “monetize” my efforts.)
After wasting considerable time trying to make that “donate” thing work, I gave up. Once ADDCoach.com is back up and running, I’m considering a paid membership option for premium content, eBooks, TeleClasses and more – but that’s down the line too).
Time and tech always determine what I can do. For NOW, at least, my “payment” is wonderful comments like yours, and watching my readership grow, slowly but surely.
xx,
mgh
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Highly descriptive blog, I loved that bit. Will there be a part
2?
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Actually, there already IS a Part-2 — scroll DOWN and there are links to the other parts of this Series – still “in progress” btw. Thanks for stopping by.
xx,
mgh
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Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She
placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside
and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this
is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!
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I doubt it really pinched her ear – it probably moved against her ear – but its a better story the way you tell it. Thanks for sharing.
xx,
mgh
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With havin so much content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright violation?
My site has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either created myself or outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my permission. Do you know any techniques to help protect against content from being ripped off? I’d genuinely appreciate it.
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Unfortunately, yes, I DO “run into any issues of plagiarism or copyright violation” — and it always breaks my heart. The “permission” part doesn’t bug me as much as the lack of attribution, however (and when somebody is SELLING content I didn’t make a penny for the HOURS of research that went into producing it).
I have actually been SENT content that somebody thought I’d find interesting that I personally originated, credited to another – sometimes without a change in a single word, and sometimes a “high school report” attempt to claim the writing with a few changes in wordage, but all concepts remaining, even in the order in which I explained them (which, to my mind is WORSE!)
I have also been sitting in live seminars when one or more of my students have been credited from the podium for my work – and I have seen it in print as well. AWKWARD!
The strangest was tripping across a copy of my Modalities Inventory™ on EBay – with a CLEARLY stated “copyright box” right there on the photo that anyone could read saying that selling it was a no-no – FOR SALE!
I emailed the offender with a request for a conversation – but he or she never had the guts to speak to me, instead, sending a screen snap that supposedly “proved” it had been removed. I thought about turning the vendor in to EBay with a request for closure as a condition of maintaining a decent seller reputation (I had screen snaps too, ya’ know! – and still do), but that’s really not who I am or how I want to spend the minutes of my life. I’m hoping that being “shot at and missed” will make them stop that nonsense in the future.
Too bad the vendor didn’t speak to me, however, because I was going to suggest I supply them with more to sell, as long as they sold my content as MY content, and split the profits. But I did want to know where they got the copy they were selling, because it was ONLY available as part of the course content for my ADD Coach training (SURE hope it wasn’t a student, but the refusal to dialogue begs the question, doesn’t it?)
I hate having others believe that *I* was the one who “stole” the content, and I hate having to agonize over how to handle situations of this sort. But there you have it. As an old boyfriend of mine was fond of saying, “No good deed goes unpunished.” 😐
Unless you want to hire an attorney to protect your intellectual property rights, once it’s out in the either, there is not much you CAN do about “pilferage” other than making your policies as clear as possible and relying on the integrity of the individuals who visit to attempt to honor them.
In *my* community, I choose to believe it’s more a factor of ADD getting in the way than intentional plagiarism or copyright violation — in their haste to post content or to establish their own reputations they neglect attribution, then lose track of the source (or don’t revisit their own content to see that it might read as original when, in fact, they know that’s NOT the case – and it gets passed on as their own.) I’ve dropped out attribution myself in the case of graphics, and I’m pretty rigorous about Intellectual Property Rights. (I fix it when I catch it, but I don’t always catch it, so it’s not entirely out of the realm of the possible with my written content, right?)
It is painful, I do know, but the thing to hold on to is that publishing on the web IS “publishing” – and with the existence of “the way back machine,” it’s not too hard to show who originated the content, right?
xx,
mgh
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Wonderful story. So *one* of the secrets is distinguishing between “what she was willing to really-no-kidding DO to manage from what was (for her) merely a should.'”
The question for me is how to stick with the decision once made. Hopefully you will address that in future episodes.
I’m posting your story on my facebook page. Several of my followers are ADD-ers also.
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THANKS for the repost, Jean – I’m sure you’ve read WHY I’ve been MIA of late – apologies anyway.
LOL – *one* of the secrets might as well be THE secret. As my coaching mentor Thomas Leonard said (many times) “Information is the booby prize!”
ADD Coaching is not only helpful re: HOW to stick, but how to determine if/when it is *appropriate* to stick – some “goals” age-out and become a waste of energy and weapons of self-flagilation (and decisions are SO tough for ALL of us with ADD)
THEN we have activation struggles, distractibility and it’s effect on follow-through struggles, FINISHING struggles (the last boring part!) and last-but-not-least “turning it IN” struggles (not simply a homework problem – also relates to final disposition, whether that is filing for future retrieval, archival disposition, reminders of follow-ups that might be required/advisable.)
When one begins to compile the details, one can’t help but note that this LIFE thing sure has a lot of pieces to it, huh? It’s a MIRACLE *any* of us function with intentionality EVER, IMHO.
RE: your request: An article in draft talks about the difficulty of “that follow-through part” – but I may rewrite it as part of this series, time-permitting.
Thanks ALWAYS for stopping by and for passing on appropriate posts. I’m flattered and touched. As soon as Kate is able to “fly solo,” I’ll be back to your site to see what MY readers might benefit from. Meanwhile, know that *I* know that anything you want to suggest via link will be valuable, so will eventually approve it on sight, even if Akismet throws you in with the links of the spammers. When time permits, I’ll back-link within the article itself, since not everyone gets down to the comments.
xx,
mgh
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