The Top Ten Things about Top Ten Lists →

Expectations set by appearance

Monday, April 29, 2013 17 Comments

The comments to this post add content – don’t miss ’em!

original source unknown

Getting PAST the Visual?

by Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
A Walking a Mile in Another’s Shoes Post

A recent conversation on a TBI article, Laughter is Brain Injury Medicine – Relieved it’s not me … new what? launches a conversation that deserves an exploration here — thus, the article below.

(Regular readers have probably noted that Edie, a TBI advocate, frequently comments on the articles I put together to help, primarily, a readership that has attentional struggles and challenges. I comment on her blog as well.)

I hope you will take the time to investigate Brain Injury Self Rehabilitation, the blog sustained by the life experiences and research of former nurse Edie Flickinger.

MUCH of the information that she shares about Traumatic Brain Injury is also relevant to the rest of what I call “the alphabet disorders” population: ADD, EFD, ASD, MDD, BPD, OCD, ODD, etc.

Appearance Expectations

In her article, Edie’s point about appearance expectations (they look good, therefore we expect them to “work good”) is something I had never really thought very deeply about in terms of its impact on the functioning of those whom I have coached and trained — at least, not quite so consciously.

Sometimes Size DOES Matter

I have long observed certain manifestations of that particular “expectations set by appearance” dynamic with adults and groups of children.

I have repeatedly noted the greater number of frustrated adults when kids who are much bigger or taller than same-age children struggle with accomplishment (even when a “big” kid performs at a higher level than his or her peers.)

People subconsciously expect a particularly “big” kid to be able to do (or learn, or already know) what they would expect of a child several years older.

If the child performs at an advanced level cognitively or intellectually, it frequently seems to be taken for granted, even discounted (in a manner similar to the way we admonish bigger kids not to physically bully those who are smaller or frailer).

Should the “big” kid be even the slightest bit delayed in development, adult concern can be intense!

“Little” kids (most often if they are female), seem to get a “pass” on functional or behavioral issues more frequently than their “standard-sized” same-age buddies as well — an example of the same dynamic from the other end of the see-saw.

But I’ll bet Edie is absolutely correct that many of our expectations of what a person “should” be able to handle functionally and intellectually are set by appearance standards, regardless of age. After all, we do “dress for success!!”

Remember – links on this site are dark grey to reduce distraction potential
while you’re reading. They turn red on mouseover
Hover before clicking for more info
.

Kozzi illustration

Jammie Days

I am also reminded of “Samantha,” a particular ADD client who REALLY wanted to have a baby. Since no one truly knows the effects of medication on a developing fetus, the prevailing wisdom is to avoid any medication that is not essential to the ongoing health of the mother.

While we could argue over the meaning of words like “essential” and “ongoing health,” during her pregnancy, this particular client whom I will call Sami, chose to go off the medication on which she had been successfully managing her ADD symptoms for quite some time.

She also decided that she would not resume medication until her baby was fully weaned and no longer likely to be nursing.

GULP!

For Sami, that meant forgoing medication to help her manage anxiety as well as intentional focus — for an expected two years or more.

She struggled without her medication, of course but, during the course of her pregnancy — in addition to weekly ADD Coaching — she got a great deal of help and understanding from those around her.

After all, since everyone could clearly see the changes in her body, it was easy for them to relate the changes in her behavior to her advancing pregnancy.

Her family, eager for the arrival of the first grandchild on either side (along with the proud soon-to-be Papa), all pitched in to help so that she could “get her rest” during this important time.

**Her problems really began after the baby was born!**

Dealing with chronic sleep-deprivation on top of post-partum exhaustion — along with both a change in (and increase of) to-do items — Sami quickly noted that there were some days when she was simply unable to cope unmedicated.

Her family was understanding and helpful for a few weeks, chalking it up to some flavor of “post-partum depression.”

After a couple of months they expected her to return to her pre-pregnancy self, and began to comment about how she “should” be coping better and what she “should” be doing again.

NO ONE linked her prior functioning to her prior medication OR her current LACK of functioning to her current lack of medication — not even Sami herself.

Inability to Predict

To make things even MORE difficult, like most ADDers, Sami’s functioning was erratic. Some days she juggled better than others, some days she didn’t seem to be able to juggle at all! (Click HERE or below for more about the Juggling analogy)

It got to the point where she admitted that even GOOD days were “bad” for her, because she worried that if she “felt better” she would “pay for it later.” According to Sami, her family seemed to expect nothing less than continuous upward improvement.

“Some days,” she admitted, with a catch in her throat, “It’s almost wipes me out to get READY for the day – it’s almost more than I can do to take a shower and get dressed!”

“So why get dressed at all?” I asked. “Why not save that energy for yourself or the baby on days like that, and spend the day in your pajamas and robe?”

“Well,” she replied, “The LEAST I can do is put on some make-up and decent clothes, and do something with my hair, so that I LOOK relatively together!”

Well NO WONDER her family expected her to have it all together – she certainly made sure she looked on top of things!

Kozzi illustration

I made her promise to take her functional temperature every single morning, and to remain in her pajamas on days she was “under the weather” cognitively, just as she would if she were under the weather physically — at least for enough time to see if that little trick made any difference in the expectations of others.

IT DID! Not only that, it handled Sami’s “fear of having a good day,” once it became clear to all what kind of day she was having simply by LOOKING at her.

Almost as soon as she took the pressure off herself to “look” higher functioning than she felt, she actually functioned better, and her anxiety improved considerably.

Several days in a row of PJ living also prompted the suggestion that hiring somebody to help with the housework and some of the cooking was clearly indicated, at least until the baby was weaned.

Sami’s reaction? “Amazing! All of this, simply because I now look as lousy” I feel.”

Expectations-mismatches MATTER

In an earlier article, Expectations Mismatches & Moon Men, I made the assertion that frustrated expectations are always difficult to overcome, and went on to explain my theory about the expectations dynamic.

I went on to say that it was important to understand yourself and your cognitive Challenges well enough to be able to predict what others were likely to expect from you overall, compared to what you were likely to be able to deliver on any particular task (or on any particular day).

Artist/educator Phillip Martin

Prediction is key

An ability to predict the impact of your particular combination of cognitive challenges allows you to realign expectations realistically, so that you can design action plans that are likely to succeed.

Almost more important, through prediction’s crystal ball you will be able to design action plans that produce the kind of results that are more likely to be perceived by others as successful.

(Click HERE or in Related Links below for more on these concepts)

‘Tis lookin’ BAD for lookin’ too good

Only after reading Edie’s article did I consider the possibility that, in addition to being able to predict our own level of functioning, it might be important to use our observing egos (our “witness” selves) to predict how we appear to others as well.

Perhaps our attempts to appear cool, calm and collected to everyone around us might actually be doing us a bit of a disservice. It occurs to me now that ONLY when those around us are aware that we are struggling will they be likely to offer assistance rather than condemnation.

Yet, thinking about it, it’s not the first time that thought occurred to me.

I usually make sure to mention to my clients that their appointments with their doctors would yield better results if they took a list of current problems with them to each appointment.

Not only, I remind them, does a list help them to remember to mention everything their doctors need to know, it also counteracts the all-too-human desire to look like we’re doing better than we are — holding it all together, especially when we feel like we’re close to falling apart.

What do YOU think?

Would it make any sense to keep our “appearance” more congruent with our “functional temperature” in other arenas as well, or would “looking” like we’re struggling create more problems than it might solve?

Does anybody have the guts to give the idea a test drive?
Has anybody tried it already?

I’d LOVE to hear your results.

————————————————————————————————————————————
As always, if you want notification of new articles – in the Coaching Series, or any new posts on this blog – give your name and email to the nice form on the top of the skinny column to the right. (You only have to do this once, so if you’ve already asked for notification about a prior series, you’re covered for this one too). STRICT No Spam Policy

HOWEVER you do it, stay tuned — there’s A LOT to know, and a lot more to come.

If you’d like to hire me for some one-on-one (or group) coaching help with anything that came up while you were reading this article (either for your own life, that of a loved one, or as coaching skills development), click the E-me link <—here (or on the menubar at the top of every page) and I’ll get back to you ASAP (accent on the “P”ossible!)